Loyalty

I sit here with you passed out thinking about what has happened tonight, questioning neighbors about your behavior. Loyalty has been passing around through my mind. Torn apart by the lies of text messages. He said she said, shown in living color. I sit here and cry and cry and cry. My spoken words no good to anyone but living in writing. The pain that I feel again with the texts. Nothing to hide? Attraction, love? What does that mean to one. Love, 21 definitions for the word but a different meaning to each. For me love is putting another's passions, dreams, desires, and wants with yours. A bond that is so strong that a mere glance to the other is understood without an exchange of words. I felt that here. I love the feeling of being in love. I MESSED UP I KNOW!! But to be punished in a way like this is unbearable. I knew something was going on, I'm not stupid. But thanks for making it feel that way. Paternity test, DNA is what you want I will show you. Proof is not enough of what I have been showing you here though. I love you, I cry for you. Emotions soooo deep that I want to go to Ben and finish our conversation with my fist! Disrespectful is what he is. Coming over to a place which I help pay for, drinking with a lady that I love, a connection between the two of you that I read! Right? I cannot speak I look up to shout but tears run down my face. I know what hurts you, but do I intentionally hurt you like that? No! I had faith in you, have been faithful to you. Just what I deserve I guess for not getting results to you faster. I sit here and look and see what a beautiful person that you are and creativity that lies beneath your soul, but with influences in your body right now it's not the same person. Ugly, dishonest, pain, I see it now pouring out. I hate feeling like this, wondering what you are up to while I am at work. This is going to take a long time to heal. I thought you would never do this again, said you wouldn't but here we are. I guess the feeling of saying it means more than doing it. I'M SORRY!! SORRY!! How many times must I shout it, text it, type it, think it? I have proven myself to you time and time again. How much do you need? I made a mistake, and am paying for it. But the moment you drive like that I get yelled at again. You're a different person when you do that, a hurtful person. I was very good tonight! I held myself back from rearranging someones face, I was the bigger person today. Loyalty. Trust. Honor. Integrity. That took a lot out of me to act that way. Anger, hate, fear, all things no one wants to think about while they are talking to someone about your relationship! Cause it will turn bad, now everytime I see him I will have to avoid him just for the fact that I don't know what I'd do! Be the bigger man, Mike. Don't stoop to his level. To your level. I asked you time after time to stop cause it hurt me, but to no avail. I ask you again, begging, please STOP!! But these are just typed words nothing really but soft spoken yells to a 17 inch screen. With a keyboard begging for me to stop slamming the keys, enough, that's enough Mike! Stop with it you can't do a damn thing about it but lie down and cry. Bigger man.

DUI

To whom it may concern;

I have hurt many people in the decision that I made on Saturday. Nothing can turn back time and nothing can take it back! I feel ashamed with it, alone. I have hurt all the ones close to me, including my girlfriend. I am not like this self destructed by alcohol, I am not an alcoholic. I am a man with a poor judgment call. A man willing to take back everything with all that I have. A man that will go the distance to make things work. I made a mistake and will learn from it, grow stronger because I have conquered it, but that day is not here yet. A path is out there for me, one with ups and downs. A path dark in areas, but sunny on others. I will take the path and work through whatever may come onto me. I am blessed with the amount of people that have come into my life since meeting with Tiara! I love you all. I know this weekend I showed differently, but please forgive me. You all have supported me in more than one way. I hope to repay you one day with the kind things you have done for me. I will make this better, I will rise to the top, I will bring you all on this long journey. Forgiveness, this what I ask for.

Sincerely,

Mike Pearce

Insecure...........

In-se-cure - adj. - subject to fears, doubts, etc.; not self-confident or assured: an insecure person. I have been caught in a tough spot, run hard with an Achilles heel! As of late I feel like I am not who I am supposed to be not strong enough, man enough, smart enough, and rich enough. I've had enough! I want to stop feeling like this, I want to be the modest guy in the corner again. Everyday I am finding myself talking her up, and people saying the same things over and over again. "She's pretty." "Wow Mike!" And the ever so popular one, "how you get a girl like that?" She's wonderful, amazing, smart, and beautiful. And other people know this too. I guess it just all spawns off of a particular incident a week ago. I felt betrayed, inadequate, unappealing. I felt like I was cheated on, again. The pain that shoots through your heart after it has traveled the course of your entire body gaining momentum striking a deadly blow on where it counts, my self worth. I am a great person, I am smart, I am hilarious, I am not a paramedic, I am not a policeman, I am me............................. I start self talking me up and then I come to those realizations. What was so necessary that "it" needed to be said, that "it" had to be said like that? That incident is going to stick with me for a little bit longer, until I feel the need to let go, a good reason to move past and not look back. I mark the days as they go by, I hope it is soon, soon.

ME...........................................................................

A word that I haven't used in a very long time. I consider it us. Consider it a union of 2 people. Not just 1 with another. You and me. Torn between trust and mail. It is true you cannot trust me and I cannot trust you. This is not how a relationship works. I thought I was the only one for you. I see otherwise. You don't need me. You don't want me. You can't stand me!!! Am I the one for you? Am I the one you need? I don't think so. How are you going to feel 1 year down the road not trusting me. Not good, why are you with me? Do you feel sorry for me? Do you have a resentment towards me? Do you feel like you have to be with me? I woke up this afternoon from a nap and realized that I probably am not the one for you. That you cheated on me to ease my pain. In a sense with the tension that I feel now I wish you would cheat on me. Don't pitty me!!! I will find somewhere that I am welcomed to! Somewhere I can be me and feel great about myself!! Not to worry on whether Mike the mailman will tell you something......... Where you will conclude to something that is not true and fake much like the love that you show to me some days! You do only love me sometimes. I need all the time! In a world where I have been shitted on by everyone you were my confidant. Someone who I could trust. Not anymore. I have been scared by you and abused. Not ever laying a finger on you. Bruised, broken, and beaten down. This is not how people like to be treated!! So instead I will lay here thinking and dreaming of the times when you were truely in love with me!! With a person you could trust! Good night world, you've been cruel but maybe this is what I need....... a slap in the face!!!

Trust..............

I don't feel like I can be trusted anymore. Where the only place I can get some respect is at work. The place that fucks up my checks. Weird huh? I have never felt as hopeless as I do now in my life. I have never been in an emotional low like this ever. I confide in two dogs...... friends that were once there all having success in their relationships, moving on with their lives, people whom I used to be able to talk to. I feel left out. Alone. Even with a one to call my own. I cannot be trusted by her. Will this ever change? I don't know? When I cannot talk to her I have no one.... when she doesn't want to talk to me she talks to them........ I wish this was easier. I did nothing. This is not my fault. You're right I do have sad eyes, the worst thing about that is that they are covered up by my fake ones. If you were to look deeper into my eyes my true brown eyes they are dark, left alone, with no hope left in them, brightened up by a beautiful mind, Leonardo da Vinci. These contacts hide alot of the pain that I feel the color lifts the mood to ambient, when deep down I am hibernating the dark feelings of failure and disgust. Yes I do feel like this, hidden with laughter, jokes, funny faces. The saying goes that the happiest people you will ever meet are also the saddest. My inner feeling are inside clawing at my muscle, fatty tissue, bones, tearing me up, feeding on my blood........ Breaking me down. My stomach hurts my head aches, I have been searching for a way to end this lifestyle.

I watch a show called Intervention, it shows the addictions of people and their vices. I almost feel as helpless as an addict sometimes. Like my life is spinning out of control, like my dependence on a love is killing me. I hate feeling like this. I hate going through day by day wondering what she is thinking about, who she is going to talk to me about. What she is conspiring. She won't talk to me and that's what kills me. Saying that there is nothing wrong, waking up alone, seeing her on the couch. I was born at night but not last night. I am THE best reader of personalities you can get. I have been through countless situations where I was the one helping out someone in trouble, someone on the verge of killing themselves, someone trying to hurt another. I need help now. I have been begging for it, pleading with myself to cry to someone. I am not going to go about this right and BLOW up something fierce. I was told I could talk to the other, confide in the other, but how should I believe that when the other cannot do the same. I am addicted to feeling like SHIT. And I need help.

Early morning readings..............

I'm not stupid I wish you would quit acting like I am. I know what's bothering you I know what's going on with you! You're in a way lying to me........ Why can't you just tell me? I am the easier one of the two..... I have taken some pretty rough news in my lifetime. I know how to handle things. But the trust is still not there pitty! I wish none of this would have happened I explain and explain running out of ways to tell you the truth. I am physically wearing out because of this I feel like another person you make me feel as if I am lying? Am I? I'm not. But day in and day out things happen to make you think other wise. I was supposed to be your better half, your calm to your storm. But now I feel like we are just two people fighting through life because it's convenient. That sucks. Wish it were different. Wish you would listen, wish I could help ease you. I have been pushed away time after time in my life by different people. I am used to it, but it does not mean I like the feeling, the pain. I do not even wish that upon my worst enemy. I The letters, the calls, the mailman who can't mind his own business. These are things that are killing this, all because I cannot talk to you and change it. I am sorry this is hard for me, but I don't want to feel like this anymore. Sorry.

Help I can't help it sorry!

I have found myself in a unique situation......... asked for help but when helping I am chastised for interfering. I did not sign up for that. I feel as if you say it to not do it that it is the thought that counts and that goes for many things not just the lent argument. I am being pushed away by you to no longer assist you. I am not interested in being talked down to once again, for a decision that you made. But like I said it sounds like as long as you said it that it is the thought that counts.

Alone...... alone...... eating alone, yes I do cause I am told one thing then "20" minutes later am told something totally different. I do not like eating late at night, I am not happy with the way I look right now. It makes your metabolism slow down and doesn't break down the food. I cannot produce enough energy to digest yet alone burn the calories away when I eat then go to sleep. It's not healthy, it's not me. I have tried to make myself healthier but am trapped with guilt of not drinking, not eating at night, cuddling. Don't get me wrong I love to but I need a little help from my OTHER half. I am not alone and neither are you so quit acting like you are. I offer you the help because I care. If I didn't then I would just be someone else and not me. I do care but you make me feel like I should not. "For lent," "For the weekends," what next? I noticed you have slipped on the pescaterian bit, this is no way to do things. I feel like I am growing weaker and weaker. I am strong and have goodwill. But as of late I feel like a lesser person like my judgment is wrong..... I don't know. Probably will struggle with this for a while with no HELP! I am sorry I will not stand in your way anymore. And if you must know I felt like I was by your side and not against you. Pitty that is the way you look at me and your decisions.

I can't talk to you, I can't just sit here and type and type, thought I was finished but am stuck talking to you....... yes you my flat screen 17" LCD. Well at least you always let me finish and never bite my head off. I can't talk to you cause you won't let me. You say what you have to say and that is all that matters, there's more to a conversation than just right or wrong or whose to blame, or why am I ruining things. I am learning so much about you and cannot wait to tell you what kind of a person you are to me sometimes. I am in a way studying you as a project for my schooling.... a specimen to study. I am finding a lot about myself in the process and it feels great. I have learned that there is no way that you are going to change unless something drastic and dramatic happens, sad that's the way it is. I do not want to wait until something like that happens. I want to make it better before that. I want you to be able to ask me something then I answer and you not get mad. I would like to have that one day. Not criticized for the way that I think cause it upsets you. I am also learning that you use the one thing that I love against me...... you. I am ruining it, "man" you are so hard to talk to, stop being stupid, or this is stupid. I don't like feeling like this I wish you would have gone to that party, cause I am not having fun at all, thinking of excuses that I want to come up with so I can go to bed. "I'm tired," My head hurts," "I have to get up early." But that will just trigger another argument of why can't you just talk to me? So instead I will just sit here and let my emotions go and collect back into the dark corner where they are kept away. Afraid of being seen, hiding in the darkness like a deformed, unacceptable part of society. Cause I guess that's what they are to you. Don't ask anymore. I will let you in when I want you in now. I tried so hard and gave it a shot but now feel like that geeky kid in high school that confesses his love to the most popular girl in school only to be laughed at for his entire time there. I am ashamed, embarrassed of my feelings, like they are much like my thoughts not accepted. I sit and speak to the dogs because They respond to me and my remarks like they understand me. I know the lil boy does. I get a sense of understanding from the dogs like they are actually listening to me, and that's all I really want. Not someone to add their 2 cents in. Just listen. I always listen to what you have to say even if it is derogatory, negative, demeaning. I just listen. And I thank you for not responding to me computer like I am usually responded to... in a way this is good for me. It releases the things that I need to get off of my chest without all of the bullshit fights. Thanks!!! ô¿ô

A way with words..........

Some people have them, others word them differently. I am offended by people who use these in the wrong manner. I feel that talking to a person like they are a child or an idiot doesn't work very often. I HATE being spoken down to! I never speak down to people. It makes them feel like they are not worthy like they are less of a person than the person they are talking to. I have enough respect to not do that to someone. I wish everyone knew how to respect. It's news to me when people think that they can just do this without even thinking about the other person. I cannot stand this quality in a person. I have never spoke down to people I have manage many people in my career and have found that you get a lot more results when you ask and talk to a person on the same level. It makes them feel like a person like a human being. I did not come all this way in life to be treated like a child. I do not need to be taught how to DO things. I have earned the right to be my own person. This may sound like venting but this is how I feel and every time I try to express it I am basically told I am wrong with a NARCISSISTIC attitude. I am a person and would like to be treated like one, listened to, understood, and most important treated like a equal being. I do not like this at all and feel trapped by the grips of a person that won't let me express these things. Left to wrte it on a DAMN computer!!! You have no idea how many times I just want to tell you off, and finally put you in YOUR place but I cannot because I don't get the chance to! Well until next time...................................

This is no way to live........

I must be crazy, I must be losing it. With something that I saw with my own eyes, I was told it never was there. Am I crazy? Seeing things? Is my head falling off these once strong shoulders. I have become weak with no emotion. With everything riding on a web based blog. I know I saw it I know I did. I'm losing it. I sit here in this chair crying inside. Still can't tell me. I have tears, I am so good at crying that I can do it in one eye now! The eye that you can't see. You sit there like nothing, like it's me. I don't know. YOU CHANGED IT JUST ADMIT IT. I pick at my arms cause I am frustrated, have to be perfect for her. I cry when I think about this. Not good enough must work harder. Must be perfect in every way! Don't leave me. I am sure that this is not good on my body, I know it's not. When you stress out your body releases chemicals into you bloodstream and you go into fight or flight. Your body prepares you for the worst. Which is why mothers have been known to become 25% stronger. Read that somewhere. I think I'm depressed. Food sounds sooo good to me, a release. Sleep doesn't happen. I can't sleep come up with excuses, "it's windy," "what's that smell?" Have to set my alarm." I bottle my feelings inside because she gets mad. When I speak my mind, makes me feel guilty. I'm the funny guy at work because I don't want anyone to know my hurt. I am supposed to be strong, supposed to be funny. The happiest people you will ever meet are also the saddest people with imperfections. I must be losing it or there must be more than one website. I make up excuses because it puts me at ease for literally 15 minutes. Then there I am itching or picking. Goodnight for now! Until tomorrow. This feels good.

Trust........

My first instinct is to make assumptions for the worst. I have had many relationships that did not work because of trust. I need you to be honest, let me know your every little things. I cannot stand the fact that you still cannot tell me everything. I know things as well and wait for you to come clean. I hurt, new people, "old friends", are you doing what you say you are? I always tell you what I am doing. When you skip school...... I know these things. I was born at night but not last night. I went to school to learn how to read people. I know body language and know the uncertainties. It hurts when you lie to my face. I don't know how you can look into my eyes and do it. Or even do what you're doing without thinking about where I am am what you said! You say you love me, that you want to marry me. I want that too. It's huge. But I cannot right now feeling like this. You're the prestige and I am the audience. Only thing is when you do the same trick over and over again, the audience catches on and loses faith in the prestige. I am blind to your tricks. Immune to your uncertainties. I say nothing cause I don't want to fight, I still want you. I am afraid of being alone. But with the path that we are taking together I might as well turn around and ask for directions because I am lost and fear that I will not see the path again, the path where I was happy and you were happy. But until this time comes I lay here rotting, wasting away, holding on to that last kiss I had from you!