Betrayed...

Lost what I had..... lost what I have.
Nowhere to go...... no where to be.
Afraid of most..... Most afraid.
Three plus one..... one is done.
Console..... not consoled.
Traveled through..... through traveling.
Tried to be.... betrayed.

Loyalty

I sit here with you passed out thinking about what has happened tonight, questioning neighbors about your behavior. Loyalty has been passing around through my mind. Torn apart by the lies of text messages. He said she said, shown in living color. I sit here and cry and cry and cry. My spoken words no good to anyone but living in writing. The pain that I feel again with the texts. Nothing to hide? Attraction, love? What does that mean to one. Love, 21 definitions for the word but a different meaning to each. For me love is putting another's passions, dreams, desires, and wants with yours. A bond that is so strong that a mere glance to the other is understood without an exchange of words. I felt that here. I love the feeling of being in love. I MESSED UP I KNOW!! But to be punished in a way like this is unbearable. I knew something was going on, I'm not stupid. But thanks for making it feel that way. Paternity test, DNA is what you want I will show you. Proof is not enough of what I have been showing you here though. I love you, I cry for you. Emotions soooo deep that I want to go to Ben and finish our conversation with my fist! Disrespectful is what he is. Coming over to a place which I help pay for, drinking with a lady that I love, a connection between the two of you that I read! Right? I cannot speak I look up to shout but tears run down my face. I know what hurts you, but do I intentionally hurt you like that? No! I had faith in you, have been faithful to you. Just what I deserve I guess for not getting results to you faster. I sit here and look and see what a beautiful person that you are and creativity that lies beneath your soul, but with influences in your body right now it's not the same person. Ugly, dishonest, pain, I see it now pouring out. I hate feeling like this, wondering what you are up to while I am at work. This is going to take a long time to heal. I thought you would never do this again, said you wouldn't but here we are. I guess the feeling of saying it means more than doing it. I'M SORRY!! SORRY!! How many times must I shout it, text it, type it, think it? I have proven myself to you time and time again. How much do you need? I made a mistake, and am paying for it. But the moment you drive like that I get yelled at again. You're a different person when you do that, a hurtful person. I was very good tonight! I held myself back from rearranging someones face, I was the bigger person today. Loyalty. Trust. Honor. Integrity. That took a lot out of me to act that way. Anger, hate, fear, all things no one wants to think about while they are talking to someone about your relationship! Cause it will turn bad, now everytime I see him I will have to avoid him just for the fact that I don't know what I'd do! Be the bigger man, Mike. Don't stoop to his level. To your level. I asked you time after time to stop cause it hurt me, but to no avail. I ask you again, begging, please STOP!! But these are just typed words nothing really but soft spoken yells to a 17 inch screen. With a keyboard begging for me to stop slamming the keys, enough, that's enough Mike! Stop with it you can't do a damn thing about it but lie down and cry. Bigger man.

DUI

To whom it may concern;

I have hurt many people in the decision that I made on Saturday. Nothing can turn back time and nothing can take it back! I feel ashamed with it, alone. I have hurt all the ones close to me, including my girlfriend. I am not like this self destructed by alcohol, I am not an alcoholic. I am a man with a poor judgment call. A man willing to take back everything with all that I have. A man that will go the distance to make things work. I made a mistake and will learn from it, grow stronger because I have conquered it, but that day is not here yet. A path is out there for me, one with ups and downs. A path dark in areas, but sunny on others. I will take the path and work through whatever may come onto me. I am blessed with the amount of people that have come into my life since meeting with Tiara! I love you all. I know this weekend I showed differently, but please forgive me. You all have supported me in more than one way. I hope to repay you one day with the kind things you have done for me. I will make this better, I will rise to the top, I will bring you all on this long journey. Forgiveness, this what I ask for.

Sincerely,

Mike Pearce

Insecure...........

In-se-cure - adj. - subject to fears, doubts, etc.; not self-confident or assured: an insecure person. I have been caught in a tough spot, run hard with an Achilles heel! As of late I feel like I am not who I am supposed to be not strong enough, man enough, smart enough, and rich enough. I've had enough! I want to stop feeling like this, I want to be the modest guy in the corner again. Everyday I am finding myself talking her up, and people saying the same things over and over again. "She's pretty." "Wow Mike!" And the ever so popular one, "how you get a girl like that?" She's wonderful, amazing, smart, and beautiful. And other people know this too. I guess it just all spawns off of a particular incident a week ago. I felt betrayed, inadequate, unappealing. I felt like I was cheated on, again. The pain that shoots through your heart after it has traveled the course of your entire body gaining momentum striking a deadly blow on where it counts, my self worth. I am a great person, I am smart, I am hilarious, I am not a paramedic, I am not a policeman, I am me............................. I start self talking me up and then I come to those realizations. What was so necessary that "it" needed to be said, that "it" had to be said like that? That incident is going to stick with me for a little bit longer, until I feel the need to let go, a good reason to move past and not look back. I mark the days as they go by, I hope it is soon, soon.

ME...........................................................................

A word that I haven't used in a very long time. I consider it us. Consider it a union of 2 people. Not just 1 with another. You and me. Torn between trust and mail. It is true you cannot trust me and I cannot trust you. This is not how a relationship works. I thought I was the only one for you. I see otherwise. You don't need me. You don't want me. You can't stand me!!! Am I the one for you? Am I the one you need? I don't think so. How are you going to feel 1 year down the road not trusting me. Not good, why are you with me? Do you feel sorry for me? Do you have a resentment towards me? Do you feel like you have to be with me? I woke up this afternoon from a nap and realized that I probably am not the one for you. That you cheated on me to ease my pain. In a sense with the tension that I feel now I wish you would cheat on me. Don't pitty me!!! I will find somewhere that I am welcomed to! Somewhere I can be me and feel great about myself!! Not to worry on whether Mike the mailman will tell you something......... Where you will conclude to something that is not true and fake much like the love that you show to me some days! You do only love me sometimes. I need all the time! In a world where I have been shitted on by everyone you were my confidant. Someone who I could trust. Not anymore. I have been scared by you and abused. Not ever laying a finger on you. Bruised, broken, and beaten down. This is not how people like to be treated!! So instead I will lay here thinking and dreaming of the times when you were truely in love with me!! With a person you could trust! Good night world, you've been cruel but maybe this is what I need....... a slap in the face!!!

Trust..............

I don't feel like I can be trusted anymore. Where the only place I can get some respect is at work. The place that fucks up my checks. Weird huh? I have never felt as hopeless as I do now in my life. I have never been in an emotional low like this ever. I confide in two dogs...... friends that were once there all having success in their relationships, moving on with their lives, people whom I used to be able to talk to. I feel left out. Alone. Even with a one to call my own. I cannot be trusted by her. Will this ever change? I don't know? When I cannot talk to her I have no one.... when she doesn't want to talk to me she talks to them........ I wish this was easier. I did nothing. This is not my fault. You're right I do have sad eyes, the worst thing about that is that they are covered up by my fake ones. If you were to look deeper into my eyes my true brown eyes they are dark, left alone, with no hope left in them, brightened up by a beautiful mind, Leonardo da Vinci. These contacts hide alot of the pain that I feel the color lifts the mood to ambient, when deep down I am hibernating the dark feelings of failure and disgust. Yes I do feel like this, hidden with laughter, jokes, funny faces. The saying goes that the happiest people you will ever meet are also the saddest. My inner feeling are inside clawing at my muscle, fatty tissue, bones, tearing me up, feeding on my blood........ Breaking me down. My stomach hurts my head aches, I have been searching for a way to end this lifestyle.

I watch a show called Intervention, it shows the addictions of people and their vices. I almost feel as helpless as an addict sometimes. Like my life is spinning out of control, like my dependence on a love is killing me. I hate feeling like this. I hate going through day by day wondering what she is thinking about, who she is going to talk to me about. What she is conspiring. She won't talk to me and that's what kills me. Saying that there is nothing wrong, waking up alone, seeing her on the couch. I was born at night but not last night. I am THE best reader of personalities you can get. I have been through countless situations where I was the one helping out someone in trouble, someone on the verge of killing themselves, someone trying to hurt another. I need help now. I have been begging for it, pleading with myself to cry to someone. I am not going to go about this right and BLOW up something fierce. I was told I could talk to the other, confide in the other, but how should I believe that when the other cannot do the same. I am addicted to feeling like SHIT. And I need help.

Early morning readings..............

I'm not stupid I wish you would quit acting like I am. I know what's bothering you I know what's going on with you! You're in a way lying to me........ Why can't you just tell me? I am the easier one of the two..... I have taken some pretty rough news in my lifetime. I know how to handle things. But the trust is still not there pitty! I wish none of this would have happened I explain and explain running out of ways to tell you the truth. I am physically wearing out because of this I feel like another person you make me feel as if I am lying? Am I? I'm not. But day in and day out things happen to make you think other wise. I was supposed to be your better half, your calm to your storm. But now I feel like we are just two people fighting through life because it's convenient. That sucks. Wish it were different. Wish you would listen, wish I could help ease you. I have been pushed away time after time in my life by different people. I am used to it, but it does not mean I like the feeling, the pain. I do not even wish that upon my worst enemy. I The letters, the calls, the mailman who can't mind his own business. These are things that are killing this, all because I cannot talk to you and change it. I am sorry this is hard for me, but I don't want to feel like this anymore. Sorry.