ME...........................................................................

A word that I haven't used in a very long time. I consider it us. Consider it a union of 2 people. Not just 1 with another. You and me. Torn between trust and mail. It is true you cannot trust me and I cannot trust you. This is not how a relationship works. I thought I was the only one for you. I see otherwise. You don't need me. You don't want me. You can't stand me!!! Am I the one for you? Am I the one you need? I don't think so. How are you going to feel 1 year down the road not trusting me. Not good, why are you with me? Do you feel sorry for me? Do you have a resentment towards me? Do you feel like you have to be with me? I woke up this afternoon from a nap and realized that I probably am not the one for you. That you cheated on me to ease my pain. In a sense with the tension that I feel now I wish you would cheat on me. Don't pitty me!!! I will find somewhere that I am welcomed to! Somewhere I can be me and feel great about myself!! Not to worry on whether Mike the mailman will tell you something......... Where you will conclude to something that is not true and fake much like the love that you show to me some days! You do only love me sometimes. I need all the time! In a world where I have been shitted on by everyone you were my confidant. Someone who I could trust. Not anymore. I have been scared by you and abused. Not ever laying a finger on you. Bruised, broken, and beaten down. This is not how people like to be treated!! So instead I will lay here thinking and dreaming of the times when you were truely in love with me!! With a person you could trust! Good night world, you've been cruel but maybe this is what I need....... a slap in the face!!!

Trust..............

I don't feel like I can be trusted anymore. Where the only place I can get some respect is at work. The place that fucks up my checks. Weird huh? I have never felt as hopeless as I do now in my life. I have never been in an emotional low like this ever. I confide in two dogs...... friends that were once there all having success in their relationships, moving on with their lives, people whom I used to be able to talk to. I feel left out. Alone. Even with a one to call my own. I cannot be trusted by her. Will this ever change? I don't know? When I cannot talk to her I have no one.... when she doesn't want to talk to me she talks to them........ I wish this was easier. I did nothing. This is not my fault. You're right I do have sad eyes, the worst thing about that is that they are covered up by my fake ones. If you were to look deeper into my eyes my true brown eyes they are dark, left alone, with no hope left in them, brightened up by a beautiful mind, Leonardo da Vinci. These contacts hide alot of the pain that I feel the color lifts the mood to ambient, when deep down I am hibernating the dark feelings of failure and disgust. Yes I do feel like this, hidden with laughter, jokes, funny faces. The saying goes that the happiest people you will ever meet are also the saddest. My inner feeling are inside clawing at my muscle, fatty tissue, bones, tearing me up, feeding on my blood........ Breaking me down. My stomach hurts my head aches, I have been searching for a way to end this lifestyle.

I watch a show called Intervention, it shows the addictions of people and their vices. I almost feel as helpless as an addict sometimes. Like my life is spinning out of control, like my dependence on a love is killing me. I hate feeling like this. I hate going through day by day wondering what she is thinking about, who she is going to talk to me about. What she is conspiring. She won't talk to me and that's what kills me. Saying that there is nothing wrong, waking up alone, seeing her on the couch. I was born at night but not last night. I am THE best reader of personalities you can get. I have been through countless situations where I was the one helping out someone in trouble, someone on the verge of killing themselves, someone trying to hurt another. I need help now. I have been begging for it, pleading with myself to cry to someone. I am not going to go about this right and BLOW up something fierce. I was told I could talk to the other, confide in the other, but how should I believe that when the other cannot do the same. I am addicted to feeling like SHIT. And I need help.

Early morning readings..............

I'm not stupid I wish you would quit acting like I am. I know what's bothering you I know what's going on with you! You're in a way lying to me........ Why can't you just tell me? I am the easier one of the two..... I have taken some pretty rough news in my lifetime. I know how to handle things. But the trust is still not there pitty! I wish none of this would have happened I explain and explain running out of ways to tell you the truth. I am physically wearing out because of this I feel like another person you make me feel as if I am lying? Am I? I'm not. But day in and day out things happen to make you think other wise. I was supposed to be your better half, your calm to your storm. But now I feel like we are just two people fighting through life because it's convenient. That sucks. Wish it were different. Wish you would listen, wish I could help ease you. I have been pushed away time after time in my life by different people. I am used to it, but it does not mean I like the feeling, the pain. I do not even wish that upon my worst enemy. I The letters, the calls, the mailman who can't mind his own business. These are things that are killing this, all because I cannot talk to you and change it. I am sorry this is hard for me, but I don't want to feel like this anymore. Sorry.

Help I can't help it sorry!

I have found myself in a unique situation......... asked for help but when helping I am chastised for interfering. I did not sign up for that. I feel as if you say it to not do it that it is the thought that counts and that goes for many things not just the lent argument. I am being pushed away by you to no longer assist you. I am not interested in being talked down to once again, for a decision that you made. But like I said it sounds like as long as you said it that it is the thought that counts.

Alone...... alone...... eating alone, yes I do cause I am told one thing then "20" minutes later am told something totally different. I do not like eating late at night, I am not happy with the way I look right now. It makes your metabolism slow down and doesn't break down the food. I cannot produce enough energy to digest yet alone burn the calories away when I eat then go to sleep. It's not healthy, it's not me. I have tried to make myself healthier but am trapped with guilt of not drinking, not eating at night, cuddling. Don't get me wrong I love to but I need a little help from my OTHER half. I am not alone and neither are you so quit acting like you are. I offer you the help because I care. If I didn't then I would just be someone else and not me. I do care but you make me feel like I should not. "For lent," "For the weekends," what next? I noticed you have slipped on the pescaterian bit, this is no way to do things. I feel like I am growing weaker and weaker. I am strong and have goodwill. But as of late I feel like a lesser person like my judgment is wrong..... I don't know. Probably will struggle with this for a while with no HELP! I am sorry I will not stand in your way anymore. And if you must know I felt like I was by your side and not against you. Pitty that is the way you look at me and your decisions.

I can't talk to you, I can't just sit here and type and type, thought I was finished but am stuck talking to you....... yes you my flat screen 17" LCD. Well at least you always let me finish and never bite my head off. I can't talk to you cause you won't let me. You say what you have to say and that is all that matters, there's more to a conversation than just right or wrong or whose to blame, or why am I ruining things. I am learning so much about you and cannot wait to tell you what kind of a person you are to me sometimes. I am in a way studying you as a project for my schooling.... a specimen to study. I am finding a lot about myself in the process and it feels great. I have learned that there is no way that you are going to change unless something drastic and dramatic happens, sad that's the way it is. I do not want to wait until something like that happens. I want to make it better before that. I want you to be able to ask me something then I answer and you not get mad. I would like to have that one day. Not criticized for the way that I think cause it upsets you. I am also learning that you use the one thing that I love against me...... you. I am ruining it, "man" you are so hard to talk to, stop being stupid, or this is stupid. I don't like feeling like this I wish you would have gone to that party, cause I am not having fun at all, thinking of excuses that I want to come up with so I can go to bed. "I'm tired," My head hurts," "I have to get up early." But that will just trigger another argument of why can't you just talk to me? So instead I will just sit here and let my emotions go and collect back into the dark corner where they are kept away. Afraid of being seen, hiding in the darkness like a deformed, unacceptable part of society. Cause I guess that's what they are to you. Don't ask anymore. I will let you in when I want you in now. I tried so hard and gave it a shot but now feel like that geeky kid in high school that confesses his love to the most popular girl in school only to be laughed at for his entire time there. I am ashamed, embarrassed of my feelings, like they are much like my thoughts not accepted. I sit and speak to the dogs because They respond to me and my remarks like they understand me. I know the lil boy does. I get a sense of understanding from the dogs like they are actually listening to me, and that's all I really want. Not someone to add their 2 cents in. Just listen. I always listen to what you have to say even if it is derogatory, negative, demeaning. I just listen. And I thank you for not responding to me computer like I am usually responded to... in a way this is good for me. It releases the things that I need to get off of my chest without all of the bullshit fights. Thanks!!! ô¿ô

A way with words..........

Some people have them, others word them differently. I am offended by people who use these in the wrong manner. I feel that talking to a person like they are a child or an idiot doesn't work very often. I HATE being spoken down to! I never speak down to people. It makes them feel like they are not worthy like they are less of a person than the person they are talking to. I have enough respect to not do that to someone. I wish everyone knew how to respect. It's news to me when people think that they can just do this without even thinking about the other person. I cannot stand this quality in a person. I have never spoke down to people I have manage many people in my career and have found that you get a lot more results when you ask and talk to a person on the same level. It makes them feel like a person like a human being. I did not come all this way in life to be treated like a child. I do not need to be taught how to DO things. I have earned the right to be my own person. This may sound like venting but this is how I feel and every time I try to express it I am basically told I am wrong with a NARCISSISTIC attitude. I am a person and would like to be treated like one, listened to, understood, and most important treated like a equal being. I do not like this at all and feel trapped by the grips of a person that won't let me express these things. Left to wrte it on a DAMN computer!!! You have no idea how many times I just want to tell you off, and finally put you in YOUR place but I cannot because I don't get the chance to! Well until next time...................................