Trust..............

I don't feel like I can be trusted anymore. Where the only place I can get some respect is at work. The place that fucks up my checks. Weird huh? I have never felt as hopeless as I do now in my life. I have never been in an emotional low like this ever. I confide in two dogs...... friends that were once there all having success in their relationships, moving on with their lives, people whom I used to be able to talk to. I feel left out. Alone. Even with a one to call my own. I cannot be trusted by her. Will this ever change? I don't know? When I cannot talk to her I have no one.... when she doesn't want to talk to me she talks to them........ I wish this was easier. I did nothing. This is not my fault. You're right I do have sad eyes, the worst thing about that is that they are covered up by my fake ones. If you were to look deeper into my eyes my true brown eyes they are dark, left alone, with no hope left in them, brightened up by a beautiful mind, Leonardo da Vinci. These contacts hide alot of the pain that I feel the color lifts the mood to ambient, when deep down I am hibernating the dark feelings of failure and disgust. Yes I do feel like this, hidden with laughter, jokes, funny faces. The saying goes that the happiest people you will ever meet are also the saddest. My inner feeling are inside clawing at my muscle, fatty tissue, bones, tearing me up, feeding on my blood........ Breaking me down. My stomach hurts my head aches, I have been searching for a way to end this lifestyle.

I watch a show called Intervention, it shows the addictions of people and their vices. I almost feel as helpless as an addict sometimes. Like my life is spinning out of control, like my dependence on a love is killing me. I hate feeling like this. I hate going through day by day wondering what she is thinking about, who she is going to talk to me about. What she is conspiring. She won't talk to me and that's what kills me. Saying that there is nothing wrong, waking up alone, seeing her on the couch. I was born at night but not last night. I am THE best reader of personalities you can get. I have been through countless situations where I was the one helping out someone in trouble, someone on the verge of killing themselves, someone trying to hurt another. I need help now. I have been begging for it, pleading with myself to cry to someone. I am not going to go about this right and BLOW up something fierce. I was told I could talk to the other, confide in the other, but how should I believe that when the other cannot do the same. I am addicted to feeling like SHIT. And I need help.