This is no way to live........

I must be crazy, I must be losing it. With something that I saw with my own eyes, I was told it never was there. Am I crazy? Seeing things? Is my head falling off these once strong shoulders. I have become weak with no emotion. With everything riding on a web based blog. I know I saw it I know I did. I'm losing it. I sit here in this chair crying inside. Still can't tell me. I have tears, I am so good at crying that I can do it in one eye now! The eye that you can't see. You sit there like nothing, like it's me. I don't know. YOU CHANGED IT JUST ADMIT IT. I pick at my arms cause I am frustrated, have to be perfect for her. I cry when I think about this. Not good enough must work harder. Must be perfect in every way! Don't leave me. I am sure that this is not good on my body, I know it's not. When you stress out your body releases chemicals into you bloodstream and you go into fight or flight. Your body prepares you for the worst. Which is why mothers have been known to become 25% stronger. Read that somewhere. I think I'm depressed. Food sounds sooo good to me, a release. Sleep doesn't happen. I can't sleep come up with excuses, "it's windy," "what's that smell?" Have to set my alarm." I bottle my feelings inside because she gets mad. When I speak my mind, makes me feel guilty. I'm the funny guy at work because I don't want anyone to know my hurt. I am supposed to be strong, supposed to be funny. The happiest people you will ever meet are also the saddest people with imperfections. I must be losing it or there must be more than one website. I make up excuses because it puts me at ease for literally 15 minutes. Then there I am itching or picking. Goodnight for now! Until tomorrow. This feels good.

Trust........

My first instinct is to make assumptions for the worst. I have had many relationships that did not work because of trust. I need you to be honest, let me know your every little things. I cannot stand the fact that you still cannot tell me everything. I know things as well and wait for you to come clean. I hurt, new people, "old friends", are you doing what you say you are? I always tell you what I am doing. When you skip school...... I know these things. I was born at night but not last night. I went to school to learn how to read people. I know body language and know the uncertainties. It hurts when you lie to my face. I don't know how you can look into my eyes and do it. Or even do what you're doing without thinking about where I am am what you said! You say you love me, that you want to marry me. I want that too. It's huge. But I cannot right now feeling like this. You're the prestige and I am the audience. Only thing is when you do the same trick over and over again, the audience catches on and loses faith in the prestige. I am blind to your tricks. Immune to your uncertainties. I say nothing cause I don't want to fight, I still want you. I am afraid of being alone. But with the path that we are taking together I might as well turn around and ask for directions because I am lost and fear that I will not see the path again, the path where I was happy and you were happy. But until this time comes I lay here rotting, wasting away, holding on to that last kiss I had from you!