Help I can't help it sorry!

I have found myself in a unique situation......... asked for help but when helping I am chastised for interfering. I did not sign up for that. I feel as if you say it to not do it that it is the thought that counts and that goes for many things not just the lent argument. I am being pushed away by you to no longer assist you. I am not interested in being talked down to once again, for a decision that you made. But like I said it sounds like as long as you said it that it is the thought that counts.

Alone...... alone...... eating alone, yes I do cause I am told one thing then "20" minutes later am told something totally different. I do not like eating late at night, I am not happy with the way I look right now. It makes your metabolism slow down and doesn't break down the food. I cannot produce enough energy to digest yet alone burn the calories away when I eat then go to sleep. It's not healthy, it's not me. I have tried to make myself healthier but am trapped with guilt of not drinking, not eating at night, cuddling. Don't get me wrong I love to but I need a little help from my OTHER half. I am not alone and neither are you so quit acting like you are. I offer you the help because I care. If I didn't then I would just be someone else and not me. I do care but you make me feel like I should not. "For lent," "For the weekends," what next? I noticed you have slipped on the pescaterian bit, this is no way to do things. I feel like I am growing weaker and weaker. I am strong and have goodwill. But as of late I feel like a lesser person like my judgment is wrong..... I don't know. Probably will struggle with this for a while with no HELP! I am sorry I will not stand in your way anymore. And if you must know I felt like I was by your side and not against you. Pitty that is the way you look at me and your decisions.

I can't talk to you, I can't just sit here and type and type, thought I was finished but am stuck talking to you....... yes you my flat screen 17" LCD. Well at least you always let me finish and never bite my head off. I can't talk to you cause you won't let me. You say what you have to say and that is all that matters, there's more to a conversation than just right or wrong or whose to blame, or why am I ruining things. I am learning so much about you and cannot wait to tell you what kind of a person you are to me sometimes. I am in a way studying you as a project for my schooling.... a specimen to study. I am finding a lot about myself in the process and it feels great. I have learned that there is no way that you are going to change unless something drastic and dramatic happens, sad that's the way it is. I do not want to wait until something like that happens. I want to make it better before that. I want you to be able to ask me something then I answer and you not get mad. I would like to have that one day. Not criticized for the way that I think cause it upsets you. I am also learning that you use the one thing that I love against me...... you. I am ruining it, "man" you are so hard to talk to, stop being stupid, or this is stupid. I don't like feeling like this I wish you would have gone to that party, cause I am not having fun at all, thinking of excuses that I want to come up with so I can go to bed. "I'm tired," My head hurts," "I have to get up early." But that will just trigger another argument of why can't you just talk to me? So instead I will just sit here and let my emotions go and collect back into the dark corner where they are kept away. Afraid of being seen, hiding in the darkness like a deformed, unacceptable part of society. Cause I guess that's what they are to you. Don't ask anymore. I will let you in when I want you in now. I tried so hard and gave it a shot but now feel like that geeky kid in high school that confesses his love to the most popular girl in school only to be laughed at for his entire time there. I am ashamed, embarrassed of my feelings, like they are much like my thoughts not accepted. I sit and speak to the dogs because They respond to me and my remarks like they understand me. I know the lil boy does. I get a sense of understanding from the dogs like they are actually listening to me, and that's all I really want. Not someone to add their 2 cents in. Just listen. I always listen to what you have to say even if it is derogatory, negative, demeaning. I just listen. And I thank you for not responding to me computer like I am usually responded to... in a way this is good for me. It releases the things that I need to get off of my chest without all of the bullshit fights. Thanks!!! ô¿ô